Jul 3, 2008

things that go bump in the night

Noisy neighbor update:

Lindsay wouldn't let me go upstairs and talk to him. She thought I would be too intimidating or something... I was a little bit insulted.

"You don't think I can handle this? I'm not going to stab the guy or something! I AM a pastor, you know..."

"I just think it would be less intense if it was me, not you."

So she went to talk to him. Now, what I'm tempted to say here is "Never send a woman to do a man's job", but that would be a really jerky thing to say, and I'm a nice guy. Plus I thought it was a great idea. I had planned all of the gracious and unintimidating things to say, but I kept playing the wrong movies in my head about how it all might go down. You know what I mean?

Ya see... I used to be a pretty hardcore gangster. And sometimes I have flashbacks- like with the neighbor situation. I pictured something starting with a ninja kick to his door, followed by some cartwheels and a lot of shouting from me in German. I didn't foresee any violence in my movie, because I figured that the cartwheels and shouting would have sent him running out the back door. Then I would duct tape a thousand m80's to his stereo and escape just before the atomic subwoofer explosion.

But that didn't happen. Instead she went up and knocked on his door. She asked him to turn it down and he said "no problem". The apartment was really dark and he was alone, fyi. A one-man party.

About 30 minutes later he was bumping again. He played the nice guy when she knocked, but then went back to being thuggish ruggish. And to make things worse, he stomped his foot on the floor (our ceiling) five or six times... just to make it crystal clear that he was a punk.

So we went to the office to ask what was acceptable and the lady made us fill out a report. They sent him a letter, and it didn't work.

Thumper is upstairs right now, and he's got the bass cranked again.

I want to be friends, but Thumper wants war.

I'm going up there. Stay tuned :)

7 comments:

Matt Doan said...

This is better than a reality TV show...Could you give us from video footage of the actual noise?

Christopher. said...

This is glorious

Nick said...

yeah, I want to echo Matt's comments in demanding video of this whole thin gunfolding... we can even set up a site, ryansnoisyneighbor.com and start a web-reality series... oh man, the wheels are turning now

Ryan Guard said...

I didn't get to go up there tonight because he shut down the rave as soon as I was ready to head up there... I'll try to get some video of the next piece of the story. It'll probably be video of him getting baptized by me in the Jordan River (or some sprinklers out front).

2xjms said...

ok I almost stopped reading at "Never send a woman to do a man's job." I am worried that i might need to add Lindsay to my list of pastor's wives i pray for regularly because of the jerky things their husbands say (or blog). A more appropriate cliche here would've been: "Behind every great man is a patient and full of grace woman." When you are on your knees praying for how to deal with the noisy neighbor don't forget to thank God for your amazing wife.

Ryan Guard said...

I do have an amazing wife :)

Thank you for confronting my sin! I'm sure you know I was completely kidding, right?

2xjms said...

Yeah, I knew. I still think keeping you honest is the right thing to do. Us wives have to stick together
;)